Coaching For Parents by Jenny Michaelson | Parenting Coach, Bay Area, California True North Parent Coaching
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True North Tips

A place for parents to find great resources and ideas for quick everyday use

Three things to do when your child is having a BIG meltdown

5/3/2023

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When your child is in the middle of a huge meltdown, it can be difficult to know what to do. You may feel frustrated, angry, or even embarrassed if you are in a public place. First of all it's important to remember that your child is not trying to be difficult. They are likely overcome by big emotions and have been hijacked by their central nervous system that thinks they are under threat. Under those circumstances they are trying to  communicate their feelings in the only way they know how. It’s hard in those moments to remember what to do, because it is likely that you are also triggered by the situation. So here are three things you can do when your child is having a HUGE meltdown:
  1. Calm yourself down first. It's hard to stay calm when your child is losing their cool, but it's important to do your best. If you're feeling stressed or angry, it will be more difficult to help your child calm down. Take a few deep breaths and try to relax your body. Remind yourself that this is just a temporary situation and that your child will eventually calm down. That they aren’t doing this on purpose and they aren’t doing it to upset you.
  2. Talk less and listen more. When your child is in the middle of a meltdown, they may not be able to listen to what you have to say. Instead, focus on listening to them. Try to understand why they are upset and what they need. Once they have had a chance to express their feelings, you can start to talk about solutions after they have had a chance to calm down.
  3. Offer physical comfort. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your child when they are having a meltdown is to offer them physical comfort. This could mean giving them a hug, holding their hand, or rocking them back and forth. Physical touch can help to calm your child down and make them feel safe.

It's also important to remember that it's okay to walk away from a meltdown as long as your child is safe. If your child is becoming aggressive, it's important to remove yourself from the situation. Go to another room and take a few minutes to calm down. Once you have had a chance to collect yourself, you can go back to your child and try to help them calm down. This won’t work in public, but it is ok to remove your child from the situation and find a safe, quieter place to let their feelings play out.

Meltdowns are a normal part of childhood. They can be frustrating for both parents and children, but it's important to remember that they are not a sign of bad parenting or bad kids. By following these tips, you can help your child calm down and begin to explore how to support your child through these tough moments.  

Parent coaching can help you learn to support your child through meltdowns. Next you'll discover how to help them build the self awareness, self regulation and self control strategies that they can draw on in difficult emotional moments. When we help kids to develop these skills from a young age we set them up for strong emotional resilience as as they grow into teens and adults.
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5 Things You Can Do When You Want To Quit Parenthood.

4/24/2023

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I have two teenagers in my house. Raising teens is hard, but I didn’t realize how triggering all of those BIG emotions were going to be for me at this stage in the game. With my own hormonal changes (hello menopause) and theirs, the emotional ride we are on day to day is like living on a roller. And I DO NOT like roller coasters.

There have been many moments lately when I thought to myself, “I can’t do this. I want to quit parenthood.” It's hard to admit but I’ve even heard myself say, “I hate this.”  And then the critical voice in my head ignites. “What kind of person hates being a parent?  Why can’t I just deal?”  The more I resist these thoughts the bigger and louder they become which doesn’t help matters. So I decided to surrender to my negative feelings about parenting and lo and behold things began to settle.

It's perfectly normal to feel like you hate being a parent sometimes. Parenting is hard work, and there are days when it feels overwhelming, stressful, or just plain exhausting. It's important to remember that these feelings are temporary, and that you are not alone. I made it my mission to figure out some strategies to use on the days I wish I could throw in the towel. 
  • Acknowledge your feelings. It's important to acknowledge your feelings, even if they are negative. Trying to bottle them up will only make things worse.
  • Take a break. If you're feeling overwhelmed, take a break. Go for a walk, take a bath, or read a book. Anything that will help you relax and de-stress.
  • Talk to someone. Talk to your partner, a friend, or a therapist. Sometimes just talking about how you're feeling can help you feel better.
  • Do something nice for yourself. Take some time for yourself to do something you enjoy. This could be anything from having a cup of tea, taking a deep breath or a walk or calling a friend.
  • Slow Down and Connect. When you're feeling down, take a moment to slow down, put away the phone, chores or work and connect with your child, if even for a brief moment.  Read them a book, share a funny meme, or play a game. Remember the good in them and yourself.  Think of the things you love most about your child and yourself.  
Remember, parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be good days and bad days, but it's important to focus on the good. And if you ever feel like you can't handle it on your own, there are people who can help.
If your bad days outnumber the good please consider getting some support.  Parent coaching can be a great resource for making your parenting life better, easier and more joyful.

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Making Connection A Priority Even in Busy Times

3/14/2023

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I don’t know about you, but all of the sudden life has taken on a pace that feels like I am on a bullet train. It is fast, frenetic and very full.  At this pace, logistics and transactions make up the lion share of my day to day parenting. 
                   “Hey Kiddo, time to leave for your soccer game?
                              “Mom, where's my favorite shirt?”
                            “Kids, time to do your homework?”
                                  "Daddy, can you wipe me?"
At the end of the day I have definitely interacted with my kids, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like we have actually connected.  While keeping up with the schedule is a labor of love, kids need positive, focused and deeper connection too.
     Developmentally, connection fosters a healthy, loving relationship which supports a child’s sense of self worth, confidence in themselves and others, and a sense of trust. Connection can benefit you as well. When children feel connected they are more likely to cooperate.  In addition, connection makes it less likely that they will engage in attention seeking behaviors, like nagging and whining.  
     With our busy lives, how can we make time for this connection. It isn’t about sitting down for a heart to heart everyday.  What 3 year old or 16 year old would tolerate that? Not many. There are many small ways you can cultivate this connection, with small actions and gestures that are easy to incorporate into the rhythm of your  busy life. 
Start by considering your daily interactions with your kids. Try these tips for making time and space to make connections beyond logistics. 
1.  Engage your child with caring facial expressions and physical affection.
2.  Listen closely to your child when they communicate with you.
3.  Set aside at least 5/10 minutes to be with your child, away from distractions and doing things that you enjoy together.
4.  Get curious about their social, emotional and educational worlds.
5. Show interest in your child’s achievements, activities and interests.
6. Use words to celebrate and encourage, especially when they make an effort with something or try out a new skill.
7. Look your child in the eye and use your tone and facial expression to express loving care and support.
     Where can you incorporate some of these simple actions into your daily routine? Being intentional about deeply connecting with your kids is important. It just takes a little time, patience and practice.  In our busy world, it’s an easy thing to overlook as we try to keep our heads above water. The rewards are not only essential to their growth and development but are key to unlocking more joy and satisfaction in your parenting which can translate to a more open, trusting, loving and meaningful relationship with your kids. 
If you need help fostering connection find the support that work for you. You can talk to a friend, a therapist, fellow parents or even a parenting coach. You are not alone, there are many resources out there that can help. 

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How to make big changes in your parenting in 2023. It’s easier than it sounds, I promise!

1/9/2023

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There was a wonderful article in the NY Times recently called Happy Low- Key New Year about people who had given themselves permission not to have big, grand ambitions for the New Year, but to keep resolutions small and more realistic. It resonated with me, not because I don’t believe that it's important to think BIG about goals, but in my experience as a parent coach I have found that having large goals for parenting isn’t always necessary. 

​Time and time again, with clients, I find that the smallest changes can actually make the biggest difference in moving the needle towards change.  You don’t need to reinvent the wheel to make this happen.  What parent has time for that anyway? 

​When I first connect with parents they are usually looking for some kind of new magical script they can use or a brand new strategy to be the catalyst of the change they’re hoping for.  Common challenges my clients present include:
  • How do I get my kids to listen? 
  • How can I lower screen time?  
  • How can I reduce meltdowns?  

But no matter the challenge or ambition, our work together is the same.  We start by identifying what is working in the home, regardless of the challenge parents bring to our work.  We do this by reframing the questions to reveal what's going on when...

  • the DO listen?
  • they DO get off of the screen without a fuss?  
  • they DON'T have a meltdown over something they typically would?   

By answering these questions we stay away from the big grand ambition to parent completely differently and instead we discover solutions that feel realistic and doable (because you are already doing IT). 

Recently, I worked with a client who was frustrated that her requests to her son were met with so much resistance.  Once she examined when there was NO resistance, she realized that when she connects with him before giving a directive, he is much more cooperative.  Viola! No new strategy needed, no big change, just a mindfulness about what was already working and learning to identify when to apply a tool she already had in her tool kit. 

You can do this too!  Take a few days to collect some samples of what is working even within the challenge you are facing and think about how you can do MORE of that. I promise that this approach is a lot less overwhelming than taking on a massive New Year’s parenting makeover. Save BIG ambitious goals for when you have more time and bandwidth. Like when the kids move out!.

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How to stop Yelling At your kids

11/30/2022

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In her new book  The Light We Carry, Michelle Obama shares tips and strategies for coping with the stressful times that we are living in. In a recent interview on NPR  she talks about what we can do when we want to take action but feel overwhelmed in the current political climate.  She says we can ask ourselves, “All right, what can I do in this moment that I can uniquely control when I think something is about to happen that I cannot control?"

When I heard this I immediately thought of its relevance to parents who find themselves in power struggles with their kids.  Try as we might, we can’t control our kids at any age and that can be frustrating. What we CAN “uniquely control” is our response to challenging behaviors from toddler to teen.  We have the power to change the narrative from reacting to our children’s behavior with frustration and intolerance to responding with compassion and understanding.  It is important to note that what our children are experiencing is true for them, even if it doesn't make any sense to us. Here are some strategies that can help get you started keeping your cool when things go south with your kids: 
  • Take a deep breath.
  • Count backwards from 5.
  • Take a sip of water.
  • Stroke your fingertips up your palm.
  • Develop a personal mantra that reminds you to stay calm. 
This doesn’t mean you’ll never yell at your kids again, it happens.  By focusing on the small consistent actions that are sustainable, you can begin to respond rather than react when you're both struggling. 

​Remember that change is never a one and done situation.  If it was, then it would be easy. Little by little you ease into a new pattern of looking below the surface of your child’s behavior and meet them where they are with calm and compassion. It won’t work every time, but with practice, commitment and patience this small change can make a difference.  I can’t help but believe that if we are able to do this with our kids, when they grow up, they will be well positioned to bring more compassion, calm and understanding to the larger issues we are facing in our community, our country and the world.

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7 Things You can do now to ease the transition to back to school!

8/10/2022

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I am writing this on August 8th and my kids are back in school.  That's crazy early, I know, but this is our reality. Just as we got into the rhythm of the summer, it’s time to go back to school.  It snuck up on us so quickly that I didn’t even have time to ease them into the transition.  Needless to say, it was tough getting them out of bed this morning.

To save you from the same fate here is a list of 7 things you can do to ease back in the school routine and lower the anxiety of both kids and parents alike. 

1. Ease into a New Sleep Schedule
Most kids stay up later and sleep in a little later in the summer.  In order to reduce the shock to the system when they have to get up early to get to school try pushing bedtimes up before school starts (more for younger children, and suggest to teens to get to bed earlier).   

2. Get Nourished

Help kids get the good nutrition they need to get through the school day with sustained energy.  Begin with a healthy breakfast and try to have family dinner as often as possible during the week.  When it comes to lunch, spend some time before school starts talking about what kinds of food they’ll eat at lunchtime (whether they bring it themselves or eat on campus) that will fuel their brain and bodies all day long.

3. Talk About Homework Before It Starts

Spend some time talking about homework and the expectations around getting it done.  Make a plan for when, where and how homework will get finished. Consider creating a space, whether it’s a desk in the bedroom or a space at the kitchen table, where kids can do their homework with all the supplies they might need on hand. Agree on when homework gets done and try to stick to it daily as much as possible. Try to stick to a homework routine without any electronic devices unless they are required for the assignment. 

4. Get to know Your School and Teacher

For some kids it can be really helpful to meet with teachers and staff and take a tour of their school or see their new classroom before the first day of school. Putting a face to a name or getting to know the campus ahead of time can go far in easing a child’s first-day anxiety, and yours too. And if your child will be getting to school on their own for the first time consider doing a trial run before the first day. 

5. Stay Organized

Help your student create an organizational system to track assignments and keep track of handouts, homework and other important school papers. Check in with them about how it’s working about two weeks after school begins.  Make tweaks and adjustments as needed.  For new middle and high school Students, make sure they know how to find their assignments online and how to turn work in on line as well.

6. Create Good Study Habits 

Talk with your child about study habits.  This will be more relevant for older students but it is never too early to start practicing these skills. Help your child think about how they will stay on top of their assignments. For older students think through their strategies for studying for quizzes, tests and the completion of longer term assignments.  Let them be part of the process of learning what works best for them. Consider yourself a guide rather than an expert.  We all have different ways of learning, preparing and completing work.

7. Be Clear About Screen Time

If your household is anything like mine, the time my kids spend of the screen goes up over the summer.  Now that school is about to begin, revisit your screen time guidelines and make sure everyone is clear about how much and what kind of “fun” screen time is allowed during the week and on the weekends during the school year.  Agree on where devices should live if they are not needed for completing homework.  And remember that powering down devices at least an hour before bed is an important part of ensuring that your child gets good quality sleep and is rested for school the next day.

The transition out of summer and back to school can be hard.  You can ease the pain by spending a little time in preparation for the change of rhythm and routine.  Hopefully a little pre planning and some time thinking through the back to school transition will make it all go more smoothly.  


Ready or not, here we GO!
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5 "Must Do" Activities For Your kids this summer

6/16/2022

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              My kids are out of school for the summer and while they both have a few planned activities they have a lot of unstructured time.  This is by design as I am a firm believer in kids having free time. They are thrilled about it, but I’m also nervous. 

Why? Because I know when they aren’t out of the house, their default will be on screens.  That means my days will toggle between working and managing their screen time. We have screen time limits, but it requires my enforcement and sometimes that falters, because I am not always paying attention and as teenagers they are still building their own self regulation skills. So what is a parent to do? 

I recently listened to a great Podcast with some great solutions. In episode 82  of  Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting, Dr Lisa outlines 5 “must do” activities for kids for this summer. 
  1.  Get more sleep - All kids need the proper amount of sleep.  While summer is a great time to stay up later and be a little looser about bedtimes, be sure that kids are sleeping enough and even making up for lost sleep that might have accrued during the busy school year.
  2. Learn a New Skill -  Encourage your child to learn a new skill. Older kids can use YouTube to learn a skill like how to crochet, play an instrument or even learn to cook. 
  3. Be of Service - Have kids do something that gives back to their community.  Older kids can Volunteer at a Food Pantry, or have a bake sale to raise money for a cause of their choice. Younger kids can make a lemonade stand or do trash pick up at a local park.
  4. Meet New People - Find ways to get your kids out there to meet new people, both new kids and adults. Younger kids can do this at camp, with counselors and other campers.  Older kids can reach out to meet their neighbors or local shopkeepers.
  5. Take Safe Risks -Find ways to get your child safely out of their comfort zone  Younger kids could try climbing a tree, learning, do a challenging puzzle, take a longer walk or hike. Older kids could try taking public transportation, participate in a new sport or activity, or get their first job.​
Thank you Dr Lisa for providing awesome ideas for how to frame our summer with goals that promote healthy growth and development for my kids while also honoring their unstructured time. The best way to get buy in is to involve your kids in the conversation about how to make some of these happen in your household this summer.  Dr Lisa has some great resources on the Podcast with more ideas and how to make this work for younger kids too.  Use this LINK to find the Podcast.
​
Have a fantastic summer.
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Top 10 Principles of good parenting

5/9/2022

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After over three decades of research on children and families, psychologist Dr. Laurence Steinberg noticed that the scientific evidence linked certain principles of parenting to healthy child development.  The connections were so clear and consistent that these same principles could be applied to all families, universally.  A family's income, race, single- or two-parent status did not affect  the outcome. He talks about these in his book The 10 Principles of Good Parenting.  The list includes:
  1. What you do matters. 
  2. You cannot be too loving. 
  3. Be involved in your child's life. 
  4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child. 
  5. Establish and set rules. 
  6. Foster your child's independence.  
  7. Be consistent. 
  8. Avoid harsh discipline.
  9. Explain you rules and decisions
  10. Treat your child with respect

I LOVE these and while I agree wholeheartedly with Dr Steinberg's list I'd like to add one more. I hope he doesn't mind!

     11.  Take time to reflect on your parenting.  

No one can do all of these principles all of the time.  We parents are merely human. If we add reflection to this list we have the best chance of aligning our parenting to these principles most often. Reflection opens the door to more choices in how we handle parenting challenges at all stages of our children's lives. But reflection takes time which, I know, can be a scarce commodity for most parents. 

Parent coaching is a one way to ensure you make the time to reflect and do it in a nurturing and supportive way. It is NOT about focusing on what you are doing wrong or how you fall short. It IS about using a positive frame shift to focus on your strengths and what is currently working to build new skills, make sustainable change and see growth in your parenting. 

​Click HERE to schedule a free 30 minute consultation call to learn more!
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Screen Time Parental Control Apps and Other Helpful Screen Time Strategies

3/15/2022

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When I give my parent workshop, “Unraveling Screen Time Together With Your Teen or Tween” I inevitably get the question, “What is the best App for managing screen time?”

Thankfully the answer is that there are many good products out there. These Apps are truly ingenious and very helpful. Sadly on their own they are not enough. Balanced with other direct strategies they can help you get a hold of screen time management in your home. 

Here are my top 10 favorite screen time tips:
  1. Set an example by modeling your own healthy screen time use.
  2. Produce off screen alternatives.
  3. Create opportunities to learn self regulation.
  4. Take an interest in what your kids are doing online.
  5. Encourage active vs passive screen activities.
  6. Create screen free areas at home and times in your children's schedule.
  7. Talk openly about how using screens make the kids feel.
  8. Equip your kids with the know-how to manage risks online.
  9. Make family time and sleep a priority over screens.
  10. Set boundaries to help kids build good online habits. 

And remember that you are not alone.  ALL parents are dealing with screens and kids. Last week in her parenting column for the NY times, Jessica Grose wrote, “there isn’t a one-size-fits-all way to approach most components of the child-raising process.”  And that is also true for managing screen time.  Every child is different, every family is different, every home environment is different.  You must find YOUR way through to a screen time management system that works in your family.  

With all of this in mind here’s the list of the top Screen Time Parental Control Apps:

  • Net Nanny
  • Canopy
  • Family Time
  • OurPact
  • Norton Family
  • Qustodio

There’s great stuff here, but take this all with a grain of salt.  There is no quick fix or silver bullet for managing screen time with your kids at any age.  There is only taking the time, setting the intention and gathering the tools you need to overcome this BIG challenge all parents are facing.
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**Read the full NY Times article HERE. 
**For more information and comparisons read this ARTICLE in Very Well Family.

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Screen Time and iPhones and Tik Tok, Oh My!

2/16/2022

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Sometimes I wish I had a pair of ruby slippers, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  If I did, I would click my heels three times and transport myself back to a time before parenting with screens. Technology, like Dorothy’s tornado, lifted us off of our foundation and transported us to a different dimension.  Without realizing it, we woke up in Oz with the world in technicolor, life made quicker and easier with all these new seductive gadgets. But like in Oz, there is also danger.  

As I navigate parenting with screens I feel like Dorothy and her friends in the dark forest chanting  “Screen Time and iPhones and TikTok, Oh my!”, to stay calm in the face of the fear that my kids are addicted to their screens.  Sadly, unlike the Wicked Witch of the West, we can’t just throw water on these foes, hoping that they’ll melt away into a green puddle. There is hope, though, that we too can follow the yellow brick road and find our way to a better place.  It’ll take more than clicking our heels and saying, “there’s no place like home”, but with a little heart, a few brains and a bit of courage, there is a way to find balance parenting our kids alongside technology.  

I’ve found that these tips are a great starting point for the journey: 

Ages 0-5
  • Set rules on the use of screens in and out of the home.
  • Make family time and sleep a priority over screens. 
  • Play, watch and discover together.
  • Take the lead when choosing what they see and do on screens.
  • Set a good example with your own screen use. 

 Ages 7-11
  • Create screen time rules together.
  • Take an active role in their digital life.
  • Equip them with know-how to manage risks online.
  • Use tools to manage their screen time & access to media.
  • Encourage them to be selective about what they do online.

Ages 11-14
  • Set boundaries to help them build good online habits. 
  • Stay engaged in what they do online. 
  • Equip them with know-how to manage risks online.
  • Give them the space to become digitally resilient.
  • ​Encourage children to review when and how they use their screen time with tools.
  
Ages 14+
  • Help them prioritize key tasks over screens. 
  • Stay engaged in what they do online. 
  • Equip them with know-how to manage risks online. 
  • Encourage them to self-regulate their screen time.
  • Encourage them to be selective about what they do online.


Thank you www.internetmatters.org for these awesome tips! For more information and details please visit their website directly.  
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    Author

    Jenny Michaelson is a PCI,
    Certified Parent Coach®, a
    veteran educator, and mother
    of two. Jenny holds a MA/PhD in Education. 

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