Coaching For Parents by Jenny Michaelson | Parenting Coach, Bay Area, California True North Parent Coaching - Coaching Tips For Parents - Blogs | True North Parent Coaching

From Milestones to Mysteries: A Parent's Guide to Embracing Uncertainty in Raising Kids

1/30/2024

When my kids were young I took comfort in the developmental benchmarks that I could follow to make sure they were on track. Each year I could chart progress and course correct if they weren’t being met. Now that my kids are older instead of charting inches and pounds, I am navigating the uncharted territory of their hearts and minds. Questions like "Will they find their tribe?" and "Can they thrive in a world that feels ever-shifting?" dance in my mind.

It's easy to fall into the trap of believing we can control the outcomes, meticulously shaping our kids’ paths into perfect circles. But this is an illusion, a comforting story we tell ourselves to quell the anxiety of the unknown. The truth is, while our guidance and actions have undeniable impact, our children ultimately hold the reins of their own destinies. What they do with the skills and experiences we provide is a beautiful mystery, a testament to their unique agency and is ultimately (spoiler alert) out of our control.

So, instead of white-knuckling the wheel, desperately trying to steer towards some imagined ideal, we can choose a different path. We can embrace the inherent uncertainty of raising children, viewing it not as a threat but as an opportunity. We DO have the power to help them cultivate resilience and adaptability – qualities that will serve them well in a world guaranteed to throw curveballs.
It’s not easy to hold this truth in the world where we believe we can control everything. But there is hope and some practical things we can do to live in this limbo.

Anchor in What you Can Control: Establish routines, prioritize self-care, and foster strong support networks. These provide stability and grounding amidst the swirling unknown.
Model Acceptance: When faced with uncertainty, share your own struggles and coping strategies. Openness builds bridges of trust and empowers your children to share their own fears.
Equip for the Journey: Cultivate coping skills like mindfulness, deep breathing, and reframing negative thoughts. Encourage exploration and experimentation to build confidence in handling the unexpected.

Remember, that some people handle uncertainty with grace, while others find it more challenging. Be kind to yourself if it's hard for you or your kids recognizing that the journey towards resilience is a continuous one. And if you feel overwhelmed, there's no shame in seeking support. As a parent coach I can guide you, offering additional tools and strategies to navigate the ever-changing currents of parenting.

Building Strong Bonds: A Guide to Healthy Relationships for Teens

12/19/2023

Raising teenagers can feel like navigating a complex maze of emotions, school stress, and ever-evolving social circles. But amidst the whirlwind, one thing remains crucial: healthy relationships. These connections with friends and family act as anchors, providing support, understanding, and a sense of belonging. So, how can we, as parents, help our teens cultivate these vital bonds?

Friendship Foundations:

Open communication: Encourage your teen to talk openly and honestly about their friendships. Listen without judgment, offer guidance when needed, and celebrate their positive relationships.
Empathy and respect: Help your teen understand and respect different perspectives. Encourage them to communicate assertively and listen actively to their friends.
Setting boundaries: Teach your teen the importance of setting healthy boundaries in their friendships. This includes respecting others' boundaries and saying no when necessary.

Family Ties:

Quality time together: Make time for regular family meals, game nights, or outdoor adventures. These shared experiences strengthen bonds and create lasting memories.
Open and honest communication: Just like with friendships, open communication is key within the family. Encourage everyone to share their thoughts and feelings in a safe and respectful environment.
Celebrating differences: Embrace the unique personalities and interests of each family member. Show your teen that it's okay to be different and that their individuality is valued.

Remember, building healthy relationships takes time and effort. Be patient, supportive, and most importantly, be a role model for your teen. Show them what healthy communication, respect, and love look like in action. By fostering strong connections at home and encouraging positive friendships, we can set our teens up for a lifetime of fulfilling relationships.

Cultivating Resilience in Your Teen

12/19/2023

Remember that bouncy ball you played with as a kid? The one that no matter how hard you threw it, always bounced back up? That's the kind of resilience we want to cultivate in our teenagers. The ability to bounce back from setbacks, adapt to change, and overcome challenges is crucial for their success and well-being. But how do we do that? This newsletter is your guide to building bouncing teens!

What is resilience?
Resilience isn't about never facing adversity. It's about the ability to cope with challenges effectively, learn from them, and come out stronger on the other side. It's like building a mental muscle that grows stronger with each hurdle overcome.

Why is resilience important for teens?
The teenage years are a time of immense change and uncertainty. From academic pressures to social anxieties, teens face a lot. Resilience helps them navigate these challenges, maintain their mental and emotional well-being, and achieve their full potential.

How can we build resilience in our teens?

Foster positive relationships: Strong connections with family and friends provide a safety net and a source of support. Encourage open communication, active listening, and quality time together.
Teach problem-solving skills: Equip your teens with the tools to tackle challenges head-on. Guide them through brainstorming solutions, identifying resources, and taking action.
Encourage healthy coping mechanisms: Exercise, mindfulness, and creative expression can be powerful tools for managing stress and anxiety. Help your teen find healthy outlets for their emotions.
Celebrate successes, big and small: Recognizing achievements, no matter how minor, boosts self-esteem and reinforces positive behaviors.
Model resilience yourself: Show your teen that you too face challenges and setbacks, but that you persevere and learn from them.

Building resilience is a journey, not a destination. Be patient, supportive, and celebrate your teen's progress along the way. Together, you can raise bouncing teens who can face anything life throws their way!

Conquering Common Challenges with Your Teenager

12/19/2023

Navigating the teenage years can feel like a constant rollercoaster – moments of pure joy followed by seemingly insurmountable challenges. Below you will find some strategies to help with teenage anxiety and peer pressure so that you can handle the dip and twists of the whatever roller coaster that you are on.

Confronting the Anxiety Monster:

Recognize the signs: Watch for changes in sleep patterns, appetite, or mood. Difficulty concentrating, excessive worry, and physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches can also be red flags.
Open the door to communication: Create a safe space for your teen to express their fears and anxieties. Listen without judgment and validate their feelings.
Equip them with coping mechanisms: Teach them relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or mindfulness exercises. Encourage healthy activities like exercise and spending time in nature.

Peer Pressure - Navigating the Social Maze:

Understand the influence: Teens crave acceptance and belonging, making them susceptible to peer pressure. Talk to them about the different types of pressure they might encounter and why it's important to resist negative influences.
Role-playing is your friend: Practice scenarios where your teen might face pressure. Help them develop assertive communication skills to say "no" with confidence.
Build their self-esteem: Encourage their passions and interests, celebrate their achievements, and help them develop a strong sense of self-worth. A confident teen is less likely to succumb to peer pressure.

Remember, you are your teen's biggest advocate. Be a patient listener, a supportive guide, and a source of unwavering love. Together, you can conquer these challenges and help your teen thrive!

Navigating the Maze of Communication with Your Teen

12/19/2023

We all know the struggle: those slammed doors, the monosyllabic answers, the seemingly endless abyss between our attempts at connection and their desire for independence. But fear not, here are a few ways that you can navigating the ever-changing landscape of teen communication.

1. Breaking the Ice: Tips for Starting Conversations:

Forget the interrogation: Ditch the 20 questions and opt for open-ended prompts like "What was the best part of your day?" or "What are you looking forward to this weekend?"
Find their wavelength: Tune into their interests! Ask about their favorite band, upcoming game, or latest obsession. Even if it sounds strange to you, it's a bridge to their world.
Be present, not hovering: Put away your phone, make eye contact, and show genuine interest. Active listening goes a long way.

2. Building Bridges: Fostering Open Communication:

Create a safe space: Assure them their opinions matter and won't be met with judgment. Create a "no lecture zone" for open and honest dialogue.
Listen without interrupting: Resist the urge to fix, solve, or lecture. Let them express themselves fully, even if you disagree.
Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their emotions, even if you don't share them. Saying "I understand you're frustrated" goes further than dismissing their feelings.

3. Decoding the Silence: Understanding Teen Communication Styles:

Silence doesn't always mean negativity: Sometimes they just need to process their thoughts. Give them space, and they'll come around when ready.
Non-verbal cues are key: Pay attention to their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. They can tell you a lot more than words.
Respect their need for privacy: Don't pry or pressure them to share everything. Trust that they'll come to you when they're ready.

Set the intention to use one or two of these over the next few weeks. See what works and then keep going.

Making Emotional Wellness part of Your Family Culture

10/31/2023

Recently I gave a webinar titled "Supporting the Mental Health and Well Being of Your Teen". I realized after giving the talk that the tips I presented were relevant to maintaining the mental health and well being of everyone in the family, including younger siblings and parents too.

The webinar runs about 45 minutes which is likely too long for most busy parents to watch from start to finish. That's why I created a cheat sheet so you can cut straight to the tips and strategies. Give them a listen and then choose one to try over the next few weeks in an effort to weave emotional wellness into your family's daily life.
The links below will take you directly to the part of the webinar that explains that strategy. Each is less than a 5 minute listen:

The #1 Strategy for Making Meltdown Easier!

10/13/2023

You’ve just entered Target with the kids in tow to grab a few things. You let them know ahead of time that you won't be going to the toy section and you won’t be buying anything for them. You check for understanding and the kids give you the all clear. Proud of yourself for remembering to tell them "the plan" and confident that you can ALL do this, you head inside.

Within minutes the kids are asking to go to the toy section. It’s almost as if upon entering the store the Target smell wafted right up their noses and erased any memory of the agreement you made just moments before in the car. “I TOLD you we are NOT going to the toy section today.” Next stop, meltdown city. Not just the kids but also your own. Instead of leaving triumphant with floor cleaner, toothpaste and that last thing you needed for tonight's dinner, mission aborted. Once again you've been defeated by Target. You leave feeling embarrassed that your worst parenting was on display and full of regret for the way you spoke to your kids.

While you can't prevent meltdowns there is something you can do RIGHT away, in the moment, that will really help!

Click HERE to find out how.

6 Ways to Turn Parenting Challenges Into Opportunities!

8/14/2023

Parenting can feel like a roller coaster ride that never ends. You make it through one twist and turn sequence and just like that there’s another one waiting for you around the corner. Let’s face it, as this point there’s no getting off, so instead of death gripping the safety bar, closing your eyes and hoping you don’t hurl, here are 6 ways that you can use challenges to catalyze growth in yourself and our kids. When all is said and done roller coasters are supposed to be FUN, right?!

Embrace a growth mindset: Use challenges as opportunities to break old habits that no longer serve you and to build new skills in yourself and your child.
Build your resilience: Remember that you can learn to bend without breaking. Instead of stiffening up, see if you can learn to sway like trees in a storm. Tap into your resilience to uncover strengths you didn’t know you had, and rewrite the narrative of the situation with courage and resolve.
Get Creative: Challenges force you to get creative to find new ways of engaging with old problems. It is where innovation and invention come to life.
Find Community: There is power in community and support. Come together with those around you and seek out support. Knowing that you are not alone, helps you transcend challenges while building community and fostering connections. Help is NOT a “four letter word”.
Cultivate Compassion: Old habits die hard so when you are forging new paths, be gentle on yourself. It is a journey. One where you are breaking down what doesn’t serve you or your children anymore. It takes time to make transformational change and there will be missteps for everyone along the way. A little empathy goes a long way to strengthening connection to yourself and your children.
Look for the Good: Even when it feels like everything is going wrong there is always something that working even within the most difficult challenge. Slow down and be intentional about looking for solutions that are already there for the taking. It may be just what you need to make the first steps towards change.

8 Ways to Foster Independence in your kids!

6/30/2023

July 4th is just around the corner. I know it sounds kind of corny, but I use the holiday to reflect on my children’s growing independence. It’s an easy way for me to remember to take stock of where they are on the journey to living on their own as capable, independent adults.
Fostering Independence in our children is important starting at an early age. It can be tricky to find the balance between doing things for them and finding opportunities for them to do things on their own. Even when it’s HARD.
Here are some handy tips to get you started:

Start early. You can start fostering independence in your child from a young age. Even toddlers can learn to do simple things like put on their own shoes or pick up their toys. It’s also never too late to start.
Give your child choices. When you give your child choices, you're teaching them that they have some control over their own lives. This can be as simple as asking them what they want for breakfast or what activity they want to do after school.
Let your child make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's important that your child learns how to deal with them. When your child makes a mistake, don't be too quick to swoop in and fix it for them. Instead, help them to figure out how to fix it themselves. Start by brainstorming solutions.
Allow them to Contribute. Chores are a great way to teach your child responsibility and independence. Start by assigning them simple chores that they can do independently, and gradually increase the difficulty as they get older.
Be patient. It takes time for children to develop independence. Don't get frustrated if your child doesn't seem to be getting it right away. Just keep providing them with opportunities to practice, and they'll eventually get the hang of it.

Be supportive. When your child is trying to do something independently, be there to offer support and encouragement. But don't do it for them! Let them figure it out on their own, with your help if needed.
Celebrate successes. When your child does something independently, be sure to celebrate their success.
Use your resources to guide you. Here is a helpful list of independent tasks by ages to guide you. Keep in mind that while guides can be helpful to keeping you on track, that every child and family situation is different. You know best the roadmap to independence for your own child.

While you are celebrating Independence Day over this long holiday weekend, take a few minutes to reflect on where your kids are on their own journey to independence and decide what steps you’ll take to help them along the way.

Happy July 4th!

Three things to do when your child is having a BIG meltdown

5/3/2023

When your child is in the middle of a huge meltdown, it can be difficult to know what to do. You may feel frustrated, angry, or even embarrassed if you are in a public place. First of all it's important to remember that your child is not trying to be difficult. They are likely overcome by big emotions and have been hijacked by their central nervous system that thinks they are under threat. Under those circumstances they are trying to communicate their feelings in the only way they know how. It’s hard in those moments to remember what to do, because it is likely that you are also triggered by the situation. So here are three things you can do when your child is having a HUGE meltdown:

Calm yourself down first. It's hard to stay calm when your child is losing their cool, but it's important to do your best. If you're feeling stressed or angry, it will be more difficult to help your child calm down. Take a few deep breaths and try to relax your body. Remind yourself that this is just a temporary situation and that your child will eventually calm down. That they aren’t doing this on purpose and they aren’t doing it to upset you.
Talk less and listen more. When your child is in the middle of a meltdown, they may not be able to listen to what you have to say. Instead, focus on listening to them. Try to understand why they are upset and what they need. Once they have had a chance to express their feelings, you can start to talk about solutions after they have had a chance to calm down.
Offer physical comfort. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your child when they are having a meltdown is to offer them physical comfort. This could mean giving them a hug, holding their hand, or rocking them back and forth. Physical touch can help to calm your child down and make them feel safe.

It's also important to remember that it's okay to walk away from a meltdown as long as your child is safe. If your child is becoming aggressive, it's important to remove yourself from the situation. Go to another room and take a few minutes to calm down. Once you have had a chance to collect yourself, you can go back to your child and try to help them calm down. This won’t work in public, but it is ok to remove your child from the situation and find a safe, quieter place to let their feelings play out.

Meltdowns are a normal part of childhood. They can be frustrating for both parents and children, but it's important to remember that they are not a sign of bad parenting or bad kids. By following these tips, you can help your child calm down and begin to explore how to support your child through these tough moments.

Parent coaching can help you learn to support your child through meltdowns. Next you'll discover how to help them build the self awareness, self regulation and self control strategies that they can draw on in difficult emotional moments. When we help kids to develop these skills from a young age we set them up for strong emotional resilience as as they grow into teens and adults.